With No Other Royal Wedding Gossip to Spread, Rumor Has It That Meghan Markle Gave the Queen a Warbling Hamster

The New Year brings with it new resolve. Right now, in the beginning hours of the second week of January, almost everyone has their head down, nose to the elliptical, determined to get that promotion by this time next year, or at least introduce a pair of meaty gams into warmer climes. And that’s great! Resolve, all ye ardent resolvers! But with so much purpose in the air, a lull has set in around less obviously important sectors of life—namely, idle gossip. And even more specifically: idle gossip about Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, and the rest of their lot.

Sure, just today (Monday) the Palace released a delightful, almost uplifting photo of Princess Charlotte color-coordinating on her first day of nursery school. But what does that really tell us about the family? How does that really move the needle? Princess Charlotte is still precious, yes, and her mother is still a fantastically talented child stylist, and we’re appreciative as ever that the family let us help wave her off to school. But it’s not that behind-the-scenes, cloak-and-dagger stuff that feeds Britain’s mighty tabloid industry, or inspires further speculation about what certain upcoming nuptials will look like.

In its place then, is a 14-day-old footnote about the gift Meghan Markle allegedly gave Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: a hamster that sings when you pull a cord. The Daily Mail even had to get that tidbit from the Daily Star, and two whole weeks were allowed to go by during which this story has stayed in the confines of the Palace. Two weeks! Christmas was a fortnight ago! And we spent all these days not knowing that the Queen is now in possession of a small, crooning hamster, according to some anonymous source. “It was so funny, especially when the corgis tried to take hold of the toy. She (the Queen) laughed and said, ‘They can keep my dogs company!’” this rogue Palace tattler said.

If this all sounds ludicrous, you’re not familiar with the gift-giving mores of the royal family. They go for the gag rather than exchange anything too expensive or meaningful. It solves the whole What do you get a person that has an empire? conundrum, one would imagine. So, for example, Kate Middleton once gave Prince Harry a grow-your-own-girlfriend kit, as Vanity Fair contributor Katie Nicholl wrote in Kate: The Future Queen. (For the Queen, among others, Middleton put together some homemade jams one year.) Diana’s former chef Darren McGrady said that a young Prince William received a Winnie-the-Pooh-themed china set from the family. And perhaps the gaggiest gift of them all: Princess Anne gave Prince Charles a white leather toilet seat. He’s reportedly very fond of it.

So even though this New Year gossip is utterly unverified, given the very public way she’s been fitting in well with the family, Markle likely had some excellent gag gift up her sleeve for Christmas at Sandringham. For now, the image of Her Majesty wiping tears away from her eyes at the sight of a singing hamster will fuel another go on the treadmill this week.